-, "The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent." Appreciated.

-, "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. -, "You can learn many things from children.

Because he didn't want to burden his son. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies. Alun. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot. Part of MultiCultural/HPMG News.

Disappointed they leave the house. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? They can be wise, witty, or foolish. Woody Allen, Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. Thanks a lot. Out of nowhere, Timmy spots 5 dollars on the ground. What a wonderful collection - I'll be bookmarking this one! **, He has been there for three hours just nursing a beer with a shit eating grin on his face.

I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up." -, "You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." Wodehouse, My grandmother was a very tough woman. The doctor says "I see. I'm a genius!" -, "The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it." You can't be young forever, but immaturity can last a life time. The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." Where possible, the authors are attributed, and in a few cases, the quotes have been paraphrased. I hope you like some of them. Bob Hope, He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

Jerry Seinfeld, The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. It was fun researching these quotes, some of which are remarkably perceptive as well as funny. We're going out for spaghetti. Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. There's this middle aged magician in Vegas who has this really big show he's nervous for. Thanks very much for your good thoughts and kind words. Cheers. ", "The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left." See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. You agree by closing this box or continuing to use our site. Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." - Anonymous, "First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. They can be wise, witty, or foolish. Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck. -, "The idea is to die young as late as possible." Thank you for your collection. I knew the romance was gone when I drank champagne out of the old girl's slipper and choked on a Dr. Scholl's insert. "Pull down your pants," she says. I tell them, a paternity suit. Anusha Jain from Delhi, India on November 05, 2017: You have got an impressively huge collection here. Hearing Jokes Memory Jokes.

Appreciated.

. -, "Life is like a roll of toilet paper. -, "After 30, your body has a mind of its own." You're right - we can't alter the process of getting older, so we may as well take it philosophically and laugh!

-, "An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." -, "A boy becomes an adult three years before his parents think he does, and about two years after he thinks he does." The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Let me know if you have any good quotes. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."

Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'.".

Older Woman: Oh, I see. But it sounds like a really nice idea. To make a success of it, you've got to start young." Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am? Appreciated :). A unique collection of funny and witty birthday jokes for your entertainment. The young don't necessarily appreciate the absurdities of some of their behaviour. A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. Once you're in the air, there's nothing you can do but let go.”, “Girl scouts didn't teach me what to do with emotionally unstable drunk boys.”, ― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss, “Friends are the family you choose (~ Nin/Ithilnin, Elven rogue).”. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap, He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States.". My Name Is Alice Smith, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

Great collection of quotations...very well done...I had fun going through the 100 quotes.

Some don't have film. You've been here forever with that warm beer, and that dumb smile. This is a funny article which kept me laughing all the way through.

Old Age Driving Jokes Old Age Sex Jokes. Allow for room to grow. I told him it’s Ctrl-P. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street. This hub is of particular interest to me. The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.

Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on May 17, 2015: pramalkumarsamant; Thank you for your comment and thoughts. -, "I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a, he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. ", A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. Alun, swalia; Thanks Shaloo. Humor and Funny Clean Jokes Gallery I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . They'll never share them because they can't remember them. -, "A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often."

I'm done with wild oats. Terms of Use | Author Unknown, An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. Religion no bar..... She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight. Shaloo Walia from India on December 11, 2015: I love reading and sharing quotes. -, "Teenagers complain there's nothing to do, then stay out all night doing it." Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

An old fellow contemplating his years told his wife, When I die and if I make it to Heaven keep looking up. Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. Some of the best, wittiest, and most humorous quotations in the English language are quotations about age, childhood, adolescence, middle age, and old age—most of all about growing old! So he prepares by taking his magic blue pill. -, "Old age is like everything else. "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.

His time calculation went wrong and it became dark ,he was still on the inclined mountain road .While walking hurriedly he noticed shadow of a man standing near a d, **A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.

They put his right arm in... RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74, “Darling, maybe sewing isn’t for you if you can’t even thread a needle...”.

It's a good feeling at my age to be able to still laugh (sincerely) over jabs at getting "older." "You asked your neighbor?" ...we didn't keep track of how old we were. -, "None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm." Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on May 03, 2017: Paula; Thanks for that Paula. Alun. You can use these birthday jokes at parties, gatherings, or just for fun. Cheers.

-, "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel. -, "Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." And an electron's position and momentum simultaneously, to Heisenberg. -, "If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." -, "There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone to do it, or forbid your children from doing it." Because they're under house arrest anyway. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." It is called the guillotine. The author has collected some of the best in his articles. Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Have you seen all jokes? Age jokes. George Burns, Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Anyone can get old. They can hold the baby and I can go out." Greensleeves Hubs (author) from Essex, UK on January 27, 2017: Ivan Bilash; Thank you Ivan, and apologies for not replying to you sooner.

Send Feedback They pull it out and dust it off and out pops a genie.

173 jokes about ages. He replaces it, and soon it's a cool 78F. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

As you indicate, this is one of the problems with quotes - they do tend to get repeated and reshaped, and sometimes the originator gets forgotten! -, "No man is ever old enough to know better."

", "Labour doesn't end when the baby is born—that's when it begins." Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”, The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." It never smells and it’s always silent. "And so, here we are!

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