Bottom line, you have rights here, she doesn't! The stepmother (or stepfather) should back up the rules set by the primary parents. Period. Btw Very few step parents try to replace bio parents, most just try their best to love and care for children that they got blessed with when they married the moms or dads… btw my husband is now a stepfather to my own kids, he does what any father would do for their kids, not a step dad but a dad just as I do for his son, am I his mom? You can get started today with the free Crash Course. She has been making my life so awful I have been so stressed and have pondered just going MIA forever due to it. And yes…she’s a mom…not a step mom for all intents and purposes. Its been hell. She condones my son calling me a whore! Your email address will not be published. He knows I’m in this relationship for HIM. When she texts me about the child I respond . Rather than attempting to showcase to your teen stepchildren that you are in charge of them, try befriending them. She and I have become actual friends. How do I deal with a stepmother who seriously oversteps her boundaries with my children?? I am not overstepping but going to treat her as I do mine and give her equal stability love support and guidance. He is also scared he will lose his children because the one time he did discipline the oldest refused to come to our house for over a year and wouldn’t talk to him by phone, email or in person. She should not try to take over that time we are having where I’m helping him either! And, who knows, you may actually become a stepmother yourself at some point. Some parents may have regular scheduled discussions to determine what is working and what isn’t. Needless to say he found the perfect controlling woman. The stepmother (or stepfather) should back up the rules set by the primary parents. I agree with your point on bedrooms as well! Now, having said that, perhaps your ex is just a fool who can't seem to get his act together. For birthdays, you probably will have to get used to the fact that they will always have 2 birthdays, 2 christmases, etc since there are now two families. Being a stepmother myself, I know exactly the kind of emotional stress most stepmothers go through, even the most psychologically sound person. My husband and I try very hard to keep in mind what's best for the children but I must admit it is as hard as anything to act that way when co-parenting with someone who has 180-degree values and seems to pick the opposite side of anything we think. Warning to step moms! you can't always be nice when it comes to the care of your children. We each have to help make the transition to a blended family as easy and as good for everyone as possible. I am a stepmom—we tried to have our own but I miscarried due to stress. Pick your battles and be grateful your kids aren't being mistreated. As an adult now I get to hear my mom’s side of things for the first time. To quote you “Let them know that they are not yours to raise in any way but that you are there to help if their father needs it”. The hurt you feel when the kids say “I love you” is YOUR problem. If you feel she is not acting in your best interest or your children's then you have a fight. It adds fuel to the fire if she is moving into what used to be, husband and having a very big influence on. The program gives insights straight from the kids. I am dealing with my ex's wife who pretends to be the mother of my children. I was raised by step parents and I love them but it is so frustrating how all stepparents get put on this pedestal and how bitter bio moms need to just learn to accept another woman in their child’s life. If you are at an office or shared network, you can ask the network administrator to run a scan across the network looking for misconfigured or infected devices. I would hope that if anything ever happened between me and my husband and a step mother were involved that she would be as nice as this lady sounds. There are also many good women who are excellent stepmoms and who provide a needed stability and care in families that were dysfunctional. It would be different if she had come to you and said "Hey, I really care about the kids. She takes them to doctor appointments...because she is concerned about their health, and knows that if they were sick with you, you would no doubt take them in....BTW, do you notify your ex every time you take them to the doctor? And, during FaceTime- just as you court ordered what happens on your time then that’s your business! The primary parents should be the rule-setters for the children. Casual Friends VS Close Friends: What Are The 4 Levels of Friendship? It puts them in a very uncomfortable, confusing position. Not his kids, his parents or his best friend. I wish I had some advice...I'm looking for some myself! What children hate most is the friction that is often caused among parents and step-parents and even between their own parents. I also agree with the fact that if your ex "lets" her do this stuff--your anger is misdirected. I bet she’d be surprised to discover she’s hurting your feelings. She is there to support their dad and be available for our children within the boundaries of that new role. If you feel yourself starting to get worked up, remove yourself from the situation. Trouble often shows up when the stepmother has her own children and has different ideas about parenting. If they do, and they also dont agree with it, simply ask them to ask her not to do it, and that they would prefer their real mother (you) to do it for them. Just because she married your ex does NOT make her the parent of your child! Search on this site alone and see how many posts there are about the step parent not caring or being mean or not treating the child very well. In blended families, it’s not uncommon to find a new stepmom overstepping her boundaries. The issues of step-parenting are difficult and challenging no matter what. I don't think it is about her trying to take over. spineless, perhaps, allowing her to interfere in his business? eval(ez_write_tag([[300,600],'mamapedia_com-leader-1','ezslot_9',625,'0','0']));So do you want her to completely ignore your children? She was kind, loving and did things like bring us cupcakes to school on birthdays, make our Halloween costumes, take over activities, etc. Adding a third person into the mix when tensions are already high is not a good way to solve any problems. You put your time and effort (and money! My husband became ‘disney dad’ and has never made his children from his first marriage accountable or responsible for anything and that includes respecting me as an adult and not so much as a stepparent. He was abusive to everyone and a child molester...I was the only stepchild and I feel like I got it especially bad. i think it is common for the girlfriends to hate the exes or the other way around. Really you are going to use your kids like that for someone that cares about them. On my nights he either has to eat what everybody eats, he can fix himself something or he can skip supper. You should also be acknowledging the good she HAS done and how much love she has obviously given those kids. Gabe dances with Lottie in the kitchen, flipping her high on his shoulder and is teaching Simon to drive. Their mom is very much alive and well, so I do not have to “step” into her role, the kids have both parents that are perfectly capable of taking care of them. But they desperately need the security of definite, clear boundaries for behavior when so much of their lives is swirling around, out of their control. For having once being married to the same man as the second/third wives, let’s give them more credit. My husband likes to keep the peace and is very non-confrontational so he chooses to say nothing. Which I think is beautiful. She is controlling and does not allow their dad to help with their education and gets mad when he tries do get them to do more difficult things. It really sounds like she has your children in her best interest. I feel like I’m going mad. Stepmoms should not see themselves as equal to bio mom. I have joint custody, the children live with me, but my ex doesnt deal with the children he lets his new wife do it. You sound like an extremely high conflict ex partner. Ask instead, “How did that make you feel?” Then talk about that. It is in these situations where boundaries are a firm necessity for the sake of everyone’s sanity and the child’s happiness and wellbeing. A few stepmoms flagrantly overstep their boundaries either by trying to replace us or by trying to convince their new husband about what a good choice he made. 100%. I was told I overstep my boundaries as well…but going to my sons school and volunteering…..but chaperoning his field trips…by bringing in what is needed for class….by being at parent teacher conferences. We can’t defend ourselves when it happens, and It usually makes us furious at both the stepmother and our ex-husband, too. Children are precious and can be fragile, but they are also resilient and strong, and it’s important that we realize and reinforce that. The children may feel hesitant to stand up for us because they are trying to keep the peace between you and their dad or between the stepmother and their dad. I nanny a family that is divorced,the older two come from divorced mom and dad who have since remarried. It's exhausting but don't give up. The best thing we can do is make their time with us good and fun and nurturing in every way we can. Father should be the one with balls and nip things in the bud! Be assured that your place is not truly being threatened. Wow. YOU are their mother! They are doing just fine in her eyes. I don't work to actively build a parent-child relationship with him. Can you believe that when my daughter was 4, her stepmom insisted she call her "mom" and my ex NEVER did anything to correct this! Most states mandate co-parenting classes for divorcing parents. I'm sure she feels just as threatened by you as you do by her. Again! I never hear step-fathers treated so disrespectfully. As she was growing up she lived with her mom and came to visit her dad and I when SHE wanted to. Its mind boggling. You should appreciate her for the caring person she is being. it sounds like your ex is spineless and worthless, he should be the one that either plans, or helps to plan those events, and it should be his responibility to say something to her. So I easily fell into parent mode (keeping everything equal). This dynamic sets up a web of boundaries that stepparents are wise not to cross.. in on a parenting discussion between your spouse and his or her ex–but don’t.. and co-author … I set the school straight. If you think you are a saving grace to your husband and step children, you are mistaken. It adds fuel to the fire if she is moving into what used to be our house with the person who used to be our husband and having a very big influence on our children! Even if it takes messaging him on facebook, text or email. If there had been a stepmother there at the time, it would have been worse. I'm too tired to fight anymore and feel she has won. Step mums kinda have this victory crowning? They're there to fill in gaps when the other parent cannot physically be there with the children. I agree completely. Please talk to me . Remember: Stepmothers aren’t usually “the enemy.” We have to focus on providing the best environment possible for our children when they are with us. Would you just work around some random woman that walked up and claimed a right to your children? Step-parents are not there to replace biological parents. I have never met anyone so hateful. I wish someone would write an article that lets stepmothers know it’s alright to step in and take charge of raising/disciplining someone else’s kids when as a mom yourself is just trying to keep your house and sh*t together for your own kids.